Back in 2010 I formed a peer support group for young stroke survivors, this was shortly after the dissolution of my pre stroke life. After the life I knew, a 23 year job, 17 year marriage, life long friendships and abilities had all disappeared, I searched for the survivors who were struck down and made a come back. I wasn't finding any although I soon came to realize that I might just be the example to others that I was looking for myself and in this process I came to discover no matter how bad I felt there were others much worse off than I, so I became more grateful for my situation.
As life unfolded for me in a little one bedroom apartment that I rented next to my daughters school, I existed. My main agenda for thousands of days was to wake up, shower ( the most dangerous part of my day...with bad balance and no grab bars ), dress and if no rain I would walk, 30 minutes out then turn around and come home sometimes stopping at the local library to borrow movies (500 a year) or the grocery store.
My life had organically pruned down to one friend, Joe. I met him post stroke and he would visit me occasionally, we would speak of our kids and he helped me back into coaching minor hockey, he would become my assistant coach ( the on ice guy, I couldn't skate anymore). He said many enlightening things to me over the years but one in particular stands out "don't just be available but be inclusive" this was directed to my kids however I have come to understand it is HUGE for life after stroke.
I resigned myself to the fact that I would never marry again or be hurt again so I found myself becoming a bit of a recluse. I remember going for days without speaking to another person, not leaving the safe bubble I had created. This was likely needed however what I learned the most was to be O.K. with being alone...not O.K. but good! I finally got to a point where I was thrilled to do me, go to a coffee shop, movie, library, anything really all by myself!
Two months after forming Hamilton Young Stroke Survivors this beautiful woman came to a group meeting, Jennifer Walkes. She became the co-chair within a few months and over the next two years we became colleagues, coffee buddies, walking buddies and stroke advocates. She took over the group on many occasions when I left to take my aging grandmother out to my mother in British Columbia. Although when I first met her she told me she was married and had two girls as well she had a heart attack in her 30's and a stroke in her 40's just like me on all accounts. We never thought of one another as anything other than what we were...until 2 years later when we saw each other in a whole different light at a time when I thought I would have to move into my mother's house due to the circumstances. The main reason I mention all this is to hopefully give hope that relationships post stroke are possible. Jennifer and I both agree that despite our different attitudes toward marriage again neither one of us wanted to push our agenda. We would put our agenda out there and let life unfold. No bar scenes, blind dates, online dating, nothing like that, if it were to happen it would organically within the life we were living and it did, it does, just do you. We got married and share the balance of our strokie (term of endearment we have woven into the fabric of our lives) lives together! We also note that although it might be harder for two survivors to marry on many other levels we wonder if we could ever have had a relationship with a WHOLE brainer (a term we heard used directed toward someone who has not had a stroke.
More update and not light even though I'm not speaking of it much, Jennifer's father just died at the age of 88 and nearly 2 years ago my granny who I chaperoned across Canada numerous times also died...I brought her ashes back to Ontario to rest next to her husband. We celebrated the marriage of Jennifer's eldest daughter Samantha last year and we watch our children grow with an abundance of pride. Ours lives are fuller today than they ever were pre stroke, weird considering we have less money, abilities and mental capabilities then ever before! Life if great!
